I know you’ll understand this when you read this.
Because if there’s one thing that any mother have in common it is that we often times feel guilty about not doing enough for our children.
I am a young mother.
I tried being a stay-at-home mother. If you read this blog, you know my story. You’re probably tired reading about it. I am tired of repeating that narrative too.
Today, I’m a working Nanay – and this is the source of my guilt.
I write for a living and this is what I do on a daily basis.
I go on field work, I interview people, I write. I think of story ideas, I schedule interview, I conduct interviews, I write.
That is the routine.
Pretty much.
When writing projects are aplenty, I usually spend long hours outside of the home. Any café, desk or library transforms into my office.
Meanwhile, the three children are left at home under the care of Ate Joy. Their Dad is also present, when he doesn’t have work-related trips, to cook for them and play with them.
I try to come home at least at nine in the evening.
But even my hardest try is never enough.
Traffic situation in Cebu is brutal – and it doesn’t help that I live in Liloan (northern Cebu) and work mostly revolves in the cities of Cebu and Mandaue.
On Sundays, I make time to cook for them. Or in between the busy days of the work week, I take a break to work from home and play with my mutants.
They are smarter and more expressive now.
“Nanay, you were not here when I slept.”
“You are here Nanay! I am so happy!”
“Are you going somewhere Nanay? See you later, okay?”
Whenever I go home late at night, I always make time to go to their room and kiss them good night even when they are asleep.
I buy books for them. Play with them before I leave for work. I read to them. In nights when I’m home and they are still awake, we do our nightly program.
We start the program with a choral singing.
“The first part of our program is a performance by Nick, Toni and JJ… wheels of the bus!”
The program is often followed by a solo, a duet, a trio, a story recitation… until we are all tired to perform and it’s time to say the prayer and turn off the lights.
But I feel that whatever I do, I still fall short in becoming the mother that I want to be.
I do realize that in many instances, I am too hard on myself. Being an overachiever has a lot to do with that. I’m competitive too so I have this inherent quality to exceed expectations.
Mostly expectations that I set for myself.
I don’t think I will be able to ever let go of this guilt.
The smartest and sanest thing to do, I guess, is to effectively manage this guilt.
How?
Probably to just spend more quality time with my children and stop worrying about things that I cannot control.
The last part is easier said than done.
But hey, you got to try somewhere right?
I’m open to tips and suggestions.
