There are so many reasons why I feel that life is unfair.
I cannot list down all the details. I am not strong enough to write them down just yet. Maybe in the future, when I am stronger enough to share them.
I know I am not alone in this; we’ve all been through it. The dark days, the times when you feel betrayed, the moment when you feel that your worth is judged by your mistakes.
I was traveling around China and Hong Kong for 10 days when I felt that way.
I was not in my best mental and emotional state.
It helped that I was visiting places that were both familiar and new to me. In Shanghai, I revisited Fudan University, where I spent hours studying Chinese and learning how to live life abroad. In Zhangjiajie, I went on a nature trip and walked on a 4,700-feet high glass skywalk. In Guangzhou, I enjoyed a cup of coffee at the Garden Hotel, the very place where my twin children learned how to walk and run. In Hong Kong, I revisited the place where Jeff and I decided to commit to each other seven years ago.
I don’t know if I should feel guilty that in those 10 days I only called my family three times. I missed my children but I missed myself more so I spent every day getting a massage, discovering and rediscovering places, drinking too much soda, eating loads of junk food, making friends, acting like a snob, talking in Chinese, speaking in French, introducing a Lithuanian engineer to the Philippines, drinking five bottles of Tsingtao beer, and spending time in the living room of hostels where I stayed at.
Jeff and I chatted every day and I would update him on my whereabouts. I am so blessed with a husband who never curtailed my freedom to explore. He is God’s heavenly grace to me and I could not be more thankful.
While I was away, he took care of everything. Cooked food, read bedtime stories to the children, made sure that school fees are paid… everything! Ate Joy was around too to ensure that the children’s school works are accomplished and that they turn out to be good students.
While I was away, I received the good news that Antoinette is one of the top pupils of her class. She also won third place in a Science Quiz Bowl. The girl can read all types of books at six years old. She’s inquisitive, sweet and obsessed with me. She thinks I am the best woman in the world. I love that. I am totally the center of her universe now.
Nicholas was upset that he did not get any awards. It has been a challenge managing this boy weeks before I left for my break. Our attention has been repeatedly called by the teacher because he’s not well-behaved, walks around the classroom, and refuses to do any school work.
Jeff and I have tried almost all strategies. Nothing worked until we asked Nicholas what he wants. He said he likes Math and paper airplanes. So I gave him an envelope full of paper and he has been making paper airplanes since then. We discovered how good he is in Math; even better than Antoinette. I’ve made flashcards for sight words and sound-letter correspondence to help him with reading. We’re not there yet but we’re getting there.
JJ is my sunshine in the midst of dark clouds. His smile electrifies my heart. We’ve been working on the capital cities of most countries and he’s acing that part. He loves Science and Geography and still dreams to become a firefighter when he grows up.
I love my children so much my heart is going to burst every time I talk about them. They are my pride and joy. I would drop anything to be around them; to see them smile and listen to their giggles.
I returned to work on Tuesday, October 8, feeling out of place. I have been writing stories the past 15 days, it’s quite a challenge to go back to my work of editing other people’s stories. I felt so slow in the first story I edited but I picked up the pace on the third story. I am writing this 18 minutes after 10 p.m. or 18 minutes after my shift ended.
It was a good day.
But my back hurts and my eyes are watery.
I need coffee, beer or tea.
I wish there’s a masseuse within reach to take away the muscle tension on my shoulders. I promise to do something about this tomorrow after my shift ends at 2 p.m.
We, mothers, seldom realize how much we need to spend time alone until we’re neck-deep in stress and deliverables and all we want to do is to chug down the entire bottle of red wine bottoms up because everything is too much.
Sometimes I wish I can just be irresponsible. But I’ve never been that person. I don’t think I can be that person.
Sometimes, I try to be cool and pretend that I got everything handled.
But often times, I have no idea how to do anything especially when it means managing three exhausted children in the middle of Cebu’s horrendous traffic situation.
Often times, I just wing it.
Motherhood, most especially.
I am still feeling down these days but the words of Antoinette echo in my mind’s heart at this very moment: “Wow Mom. I am so happy I can see your face every time I come home. You’re a wonderful person and I am so proud of you.”
Nicholas rests his head on my shoulder and whispers, “It’s going to be fine Mom.” I wonder what made him say that.
JJ is seated on the couch with a huge smile and a tall glass of water. “Drink Mom. You can’t be thirsty.”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just remember the children I carried in my belly and the numerous hours I spent in labor and recovery. These memories are enough for me to stand tall and straighten my crown.
I’ve survived childbirth.
I’m thriving in motherhood.
It’ll be hard to bring me down.
