I hate terrible twos.
The temper tantrum stage.
The screams.
The meltdowns.
I want to scream back, slap the producer of the earth-shattering sound, and lecture her about the importance of my eardrum.
I wish I can do that without hurting my throat and my hand, without the guilt feeling afterwards, and without being reported to Child Protection Services.
It’s terrible to be parents to twin toddlers undergoing the terrible two phase. Yesterday in church, Jeff and I were reduced to the foyer where we dragged our children from the main hall because they were throwing fits while people were listening to the word of God. I was so tempted to just go home and let them resume their meltdown in the house. But I had a box of things I wanted to handover to Jeff’s fellow church member and so we had to stay.
Like any well-meaning parent, I have done my research on managing temper tantrums. Dr. Jeremy Friedman, author of The Toddler Care Book, said these about managing temper tantrums: “During a tantrum, it’s important to remain calm and avoid inadvertently reinforcing the behavior. Keep your emotions in check. If your emotions escalate, so will your child’s. Do not laugh or confront her. Instead, ignore your child without making eye contact and wait for her to calm down. This will ensure you are not reinforcing bad behavior.”
It’s easy to follow these tips when you’re at home but when the meltdown happens in public, oh dear.
Oh dear.
In general, public meltdowns are taxing and stressful. It is more taxing and stressful when they happen in places where silence is observed like in churches or courthouses.
Fortunately, most people in church are understanding. Many are parents and grandparents who have been subjected to the tantrum agony so most of them are helpful and sympathetic.
But not courthouses and museums.
Let me share one experience.
We applied for my youngest son’s passport in the country clerk office. I was with my husband and three children. However, the office did not accept card payments and wanted money order checks so my husband had to leave the building and go to the bank.
For the purpose of expediency, we decided that he should just go and leave me with the three kids in the building. After all, the lady at the passport application counter said it was okay for children to hang around.
Remember: I had twin toddlers and a baby with me.
Waiting for 15 minutes or so is an ordeal.
My eldest son discovered the joy of pressing the elevator button. My daughter found crayons in one corner of the room and wanted to color the wall red. My youngest son was sleepy and began to cry. The twins were uncontrollable. Think screaming and crying. They were annoying.
I tried my best to take control of the situation. But I can only do so much. Finally, I found facial mist in my purse and used that to distract the twins while I was feeding the baby.
Then a lady approached and told me to control my kids because I (take note “I”) was disrupting court proceedings. I apologized and told her I am really trying but there’s only one me and there’s three of them. She replied: “Well, then try harder as a mother because your children are disrespectful! ”
I summoned all the forces of the universe to not turn into the woman version of The Hulk and lash at this lady who doesn’t even know what I’m going through.
I breathed and tried to be calm but this lady continued her verbal tirade and told me: “Hey! Try harder! Hey, do you speak English?!”
Heaven knows I wanted to scream at her but I am not a citizen of this country and my permanent residence status is still in the works. Difficult as it was, I bit my tongue and apologized and… prayed that Jeff will be back.
By the time Jeff came back, which was 20 minutes after enduring the embarrasing words from that lady, and by the time we swore in the presence of the lady at the passport counter that everything in our child’s paperworks are true and legal, I was near tears… tears I held back from the public humiliation that started with my children’s tantrums.
When we got to the car, I was a waterfalls. The afternoon plan of late snacks and some ice cream discarded.
Meltdowns are never easy when they happen in public. In managing tantrums in public, Friedman said: “Start by removing your toddler from the situation by picking him up and taking him to a quiet place such as the car or the bathroom. Hug him until the tantrum stops and provide guidance as you would at home. Do not give in to your child’s demands. If he knows he can throw and fit and receive a candy bar, you can bet on a repeat of the same situation next time you run errands.”
In my children’s case, hugging doesn’t work. Tried it in church, in museums, in libraries, in supermarkets, in airplanes, in malls, in airports. Removing the child from the situation almost always works but not in the state I was in where I was subjected to public humiliation. In cases like that, you can only wish for people to be compassionate. Sadly in that room filled with people, no one cared.
I just had another experience involving tantrums in public places last Saturday. But I will refrain from sharing it because it is still a fresh memory, one that also hurt me so bad and resulted with another round of crying.
I promised myself to be never like that lady who humiliated me as a woman and as a mother.
I know screaming children are not ideal.
It’s not pleasant.
I wish my children have control buttons I can press to behave mode when they’re in public. But they’re two years old and two years old play and scream and cry.
They jump from one episode to the other in a matter of seconds.
I pray that more people will be understanding about what parents go through to manage their children’s temper tantrums in public. Parents like me do not just sit around and stare. We do want to remedy the situation. We just wish people have a little bit of humanity in them and stop being judgmental.
