Kalispell, Montana – I have cabin fever.
I’ve been spending too much time indoors that I feel like I’m surrounded by rails and fences preventing me from breathing and living the life I used to live back in the Philippines.
It’s not like someone told me to just stay inside the house. It’s an issue of personal laziness and lack of initiative, unfortunately. I have been using my pregnancy as an excuse and the endless household chores involving the twins from getting out of the house and do something not related to to being a mother.
Yesterday (Friday) marked the first week of our stay in this new house, our fifth home since Jeff and I started a family together and our third country of residence. It was also a day when I felt that I felt strangled from all the duties and responsibilities of motherhood.
Most of the time while the twins are growing, there was always some form of help from nannies, family members, on-call cleaners. But this current move has slapped me in the face with the reality that it will just be me – pregnant, household-chore-incompetent ME – who will be changing diapers, washing dishes, cleaning after whatever mess the twins leave after playing, cooking meals, and folding clothes. Bad news: I hate household chores. Cooking – and I dare say I’m a good cook – is the only chore I do with much gusto. The others? Well, if there’s a way to avoid them, I will.
It’s funny how you make one life decision and suddenly the list of consequences starts pouring like heavy drops of rain. Did I ever think that having kids will throw me into what I consider a dungeon called domesticated life?
Ah, no.
Honestly, no.
I grew up in a family compound where I saw aunts and cousins being helped by grandmothers, grand aunts, and cousins while they were raising rascals (otherwise known as children) so everything looked manageable and easy. As long as you have the money to spend for this and that, everything is fine.
Here is one example: my mother was 25 years old and already have four children (I was seven years old, my sister Stephanie was 5, Hendrix was 3, and Kevin was a year old). No single nanny survived our crazy antics so my mother was the lone adult in our little house as my father was already sailing the high seas when our youngest, Kevin, was born. Every time Mom needs to leave the house to run some errands, she can conveniently leave under the care of her cousins, siblings, or relatives who live in the same compound. Instant babysitters, so to speak, and they’re happy when Mom comes home with ice cream to be shared to everyone.
When my aunts (and my Mom) get frustrated with a certain child or their children in general, they always have someone to talk to. They have sounding boards, allies, partymates, who understand what they’re going through. By “someone”, I mean another person aside from their husbands or partners.
Yesterday, I had one of those meltdowns again right in the middle of reading page 146 of Amy Tan’s Saving Fish from Drowning. I felt sorry for myself; for not writing that much; for not reading that much; for not going out of the house regularly; for missing out on gardening; for not buying red lipstick that goes well with my red dress which I hope to wear to church this Sunday.
On top of it all, I miss being in the workforce. I have been blessed with fulfilling jobs which made me feel useful; jobs which did not just pay the rent or the groceries, but jobs which paid me to help other people and the society.
I miss those jobs.
Terribly.
But I also know that for now, my career has to take a backseat as I focus on our growing family. Jeff reminded me that by working on my Master’s degree, I am still building my career so I am not completely on a career hiatus, I’m just slowing down.
Since my classes will not begin until last week of August, my hyperactive brain has been shouting for something to do between now and then. The twins have been a total pain in the neck these days as their personalities evolve and terrible twos is really gaining momentum. I want to get out of the house and pester other people with my thoughts and views. While before I was so concerned about who gets annoyed with my opinion, I am now resigned to the fact that I should be speaking my brain out because I’ve been too silent for so long.
I went online and discovered Authors of the Flathead, a group of writers here who are more than welcoming to accept new members. I read from their website that they will soon host a writer’s conference come September and that got me really excited. The website led me to some writing classes at the Flathead Valley Community College and I found a night class that fits my schedule. The registration fee was very reasonable and I immediately told Jeff I wanted to do it.
I was so happy with this discovery that I actually cried when I told Jeff about it. I sent an email to the Authors of the Flathead and I got a reply back the same night.
A college professor named Dennis Foley was very friendly in his email and invited me to attend their meetings so I can meet some people. He then told me that we’re related. His wife, Michele, is the sister of Sheryl. Sheryl is my sister-in-law, the wife of my husband’s brother.
How cool is that?!
‘It’s a small world up here’, replied my brother-in-law, Joe, when I told him about my “discovery”.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m in Cebu again. I am slowly feeling like I have a home here; that somehow, there’s a place for me in any part of the globe I choose to thrive.
I did enrol in a writing class, a basic one called “Blogging for Creative People”. The course description sounds like something I’ve already done but I still registered anyway because I want to get my feet wet and have a feel of the writing culture here. Also, I just want to have a face-to-face classroom interaction with people.
Classes will run for a month and won’t start until July. It’ll end by the time my classes for my graduate studies start again (which is about the last week of August). I do hope to get my brain engine running again soon.
Today, Sheryl, my sister-in-law, took me to the local farmer’s market and I got some local honey, a pot of spearmint, and another pot of ginger mint. We also bought two tomato plants. We dropped by Costco for some supplies and we were headed back home after two hours with more supplies of toilet paper and diapers.
Back at home, we planted the mint plants and the tomatoes with the twins making the task complicated for us. But it was a great way to expose them to nature and agriculture. Nicholas and Antoinette had dirt all over their faces and clothes by the time we finished. Yep, I had more cleaning to do.
One week of living here in Kalispell came by so fast. The first three days crept by so slowly and I was bored member of this household after the initial transfer. But as I say “goodbye” to this week and forming my “hello” to the week that is to come, I’m getting more excited to the many surprises that will come my way.
It sure is difficult to be away from the culture and the family that I am so used to. But there is always room in my heart for a new one. My heart is too big to reject new experiences and new people.
I’m feeling blue dragonflies in my stomach. This is going to be a wonderful year. 🙂
