I am so house broken.

I am the ultimate “House Dad” who does all of the grocery shopping, cooks all of the family meals, does all of the laundry, manages the twins (Nick and Toni) and always remains upbeat and happy when Cris occasionally descends into the eighth level of post-baby blues.

But right now, I would give my own blood plasma for a good vacuum cleaner.

For you see, our son Nicholas, instead of reading his books, is now peeling off the paper of the outside of each book and tossing them … everywhere.

What a mess!

To make matters worse, it has clogged up the 20-year old Oreck vacuum cleaner that we found in one of the closets.

Every time I try and suck up all of these hundreds of scraps of paper that litter the carpeting of this little house, the vacuum clogs up. Then I end up just moving one clump of paper scraps from one side of the room to another.

But last night I came up with, what I think, is a rather brilliant idea.

While the vacuum cleaner is sucking up and then puking out paper across the floor, I dragged the machine over to the tile flooring of the kitchen and then let it puke away.

It then blows and scatters the rubbish all over the floor.

Wait for it …

There is a method to this House Dad’s mind.

Repeating the process several times, most all of the carpeting is cleaned off the paper but the kitchen is trashed.

Putting the vacuum cleaner away in the closet, I then stepped gently over the piles of refuse all over the kitchen floor and reached for the broom, quickly swept up all of the debris and dumped it out in the trash can.

Job done!

Well, not really.

The Oreck is still filled to the brim with the remains of Nicholas’ books.

And it’s an old Oreck – not one of those fancy schmancy new-fangled, super-duper mega monsters that takes no prisoners while it struts across any unsuspecting carpeted floor.

Nope – this is a 40-year old relic that should be inducted into the Vacuum Cleaner Hall of Fame.

Did you know there is a Vacuum Cleaner Hall of Fame?

There sure is and you can find it at www.vdta.com.

Cris and I should ship out this aged Oreck to their facility in Des Moines.

But it really isn’t the fault of this good ‘ol machine. It’s Nicholas!

If he was 48 years old, you might say he is going through his mid-life crisis.

But at two years old, he is too young to have his even first-life crisis.

So, any suggestions on how to deal with an over active child who is soooo ready for day care that he is bored out of his skull and takes to peeling off paper to whittle away the house?

This House Dad wants to know.