In my column over at CDN Digital, I wrote about my practice of going on four monthly dates with my children.
I wrote:
“The first date is with Nicholas; the second with Antoinette; the third with Jeff Jr.; and the fourth with all three of them.”
READ HERE: Nanay Says: Ate Kuya
The dates need not be lavish or elaborate. Sometimes it’s a trip to an animal park; other times it’s just a walk to a nearby sari-sari store to buy chocolates or lollipops.
Or I take them to work or make them part of my job.
No matter how you choose to do it, it is important to spend time with each child and with all of them.
Why?
Because I see the need to make each child feel special.
I noticed that Antoinette is more open about asking questions pertaining to menstruation and the growth of breasts when it’s just me and her on a date. She also likes the attention that I give her because we are on strictly no-boys-allowed date. We love museums and art galleries when we go out together.
When I’m with Nicholas, our discussions tend to focus more on robots and space. We also go to the movies.
Antoinette… not so. She often finds movies boring. As for Nicholas, take him to the movie theatre and he’ll instantly develop a liking for that film just because his Mom or Dad took him out.
Jeff Jr. is a different species. He loves his food and can sit on a food court chair for hours.
My children are expressive about their feelings.
The credit goes to the 2015 Pixar film, Inside Out. I remember working on a lesson plan on emotions and using the movie as a material. I have to dig up my old files to look for that lesson plan.
The point here is that your children are different individuals.
They are so different that they will develop different interests and like different kinds of people.
It is important that we each one of them as separate individuals than always referring to them as part of a collective. They need that. They need the affirmation and assurance that Mom knows what I am interested in or that Dad understands what movies I prefer.
If you’re a woman with a partner, please take note that this works for the Dad too.
Your partner has an equal responsibility to spend time with each child. My husband, whom I love so dearly but there are times that I just want to ship him back where he was born, takes the boys to the movies and ice cream or a play area.
It was from him that I learned about our daughter’s love for the salon; that she loves it when a hairdresser cuts and styles her hair.
Or he takes Jeff Jr. to pick up the laundry. That’s a less-than-an-hour task but our youngest son went home with a big smile on his face saying,”I helped Daddy with the clothes because I’m strong.”
I like spending time with each child because I get to hear their thoughts and see their reactions about several things. Together, their opinions might be ignored or set aside. Alone, I get to ask follow-up questions and assure him or her that he or she is loved no matter what.
We have a stay-in nanny named Ate Joy. We do not call her “yaya” or “nanny”. We call her Ate Joy; Ate means “older sister.”
But on my collective monthly date with my three mutants, I do not take Ate Joy with me. It’s just me and the three children. Sometimes they are easy; often times they are tough. But I have found out that it’s always best to start the bonding with food. Managing them on my own also grounds me. It reminds me of the years I spent in the US taking care of twins and an infant. It was exhausting but it made me stronger. I can face anything now, poop and pee included, because of that experience.
Last month, July 2019, it was all about French fries and soft ice cream at the SM Consolacion’ s food court. It was me and the three of them. There was so much running and laughing and “Hey, don’t leave the squad!”
We created narratives of people in the food court including making them imagine that what the people are thinking can be read in thought bubbles. It was a silly exercise, quipped Antoinette. But Nicholas said it was fun and he likes being silly with me.
We giggle a lot during these times. With the twins’ exposure to the Binisayang Sugbuanonan language, they have been speaking more words in the vernacular.
I go out with them, all three of them, because I want to see them bond and help each other. I’ve been seeing moments where Antoinette opened Jeff Jr.’s water bottle, Nicholas helping Antoinette in carrying her bag or Jeff Jr. giving her Manang tight hugs.
Then I brought them along to the supermarket before we headed home. I make up games on the aisle such as “Find this brand.” It is a serious endeavour that also serves as a time to teach them Reading and Math.
Last month’s collective “date” lasted for less than three hours but we went home with so much memories to fill our barrels of love.
Going out with each child and going out with all of them can be viewed as physically demanding, time consuming and financially crippling.
But it doesn’t have to be a chore or a burden. Take them to the park, set up a tent in your living room, go on a karaoke binge! It’s going to be fun!
The possibilities are endless.
You just need to get creative.
